New Year's Eve

What will I 
bring in
What will I
let go
Each question
swims in my mind
It feels like
I take
deeper breaths
these days
There's a clock
on the wall
that doesn't
speak to me
in time
It speaks to me
in weight
And I keep
saying
that I can't
carry anymore
but the clock
has noise-cancelling
headphones on
and I find
that I'm
yelling
into the void
I've had
to learn how
to turn
my voice
inward
and soothe 
each piece
of rawness
It's okay
It's okay
These words
made the salt water
drip free in a way
it hasn't done
for the last 
hundred years
Each time
it happens
the heaviness
doesn't feel quite
so heavy
It's just light enough
so that I don't 
actually lose
my mind
like those 
I've held so dear
Yes, this year
has bittered
my tongue
At times it's felt
like I've lost
so much
and gained
so little
But I know
that the opposite
is also true
I've tasted
a sweetness
I never knew
existed here
A strength
A truth
that keeps me 
pushing through
it all
Because after all
of the bitterness
my tongue
has soaked in
It's the sweet juice
that runs through
my mouth
that keeps
my heart
from hardening



- December 2018

My Place

There's a truth here
The here that lies in wait
In wait of the sun
In wait of the moon
In wait of the way the tide
keeps me in this space
The space that feels 
light and heavy
at the same time
Like the way the wind
shakes the trees
The way the birds glide
through the skies
I held your gravity that way once
I've nestled myself
in the crevice of your warmth
And the absence of you
has left me feeling like I've broken
against a new dawn
A new day and time
And things keep feeling
so strange here
Yet in a way 
I feel that I've found
my place
for the very first time



- December 2018

In The Glow

I want to lick
the sun
Take my hand
and come
dance
with me
in the glow
Let's balance
on the beams
Feel the
warm light
Let me be
your gravity


- October 2018

Strong Enough

I've let
my hands
untangle
themselves
I've let
them rest
in the river
Felt
the water
tickle my
hands
I close
my eyes
and let these
moments
sink in
The moments
when I know
I'm strong
enough
to move
through
anything


-November 2018

Uncovering

I'm yearning
to know
these parts
of myself
I never knew
existed



- October 2018

My Beating Heart

Give me space

I say to my heart

Only I have the eyes

to see what I need

Only I have the mouth

that can call for
the things I crave

You can watch me drift

if that’s what you see

But I know
that I’m not drifting
aimlessly

There's a purpose
in my direction
Even if no one 
can see the patterns
in my wake
I know the things
I need
The things
I crave
It's up to me
to be open
For the sake
of my own
beating heart



-August 2018

Soothing

You make
the wild spoons
lay softly
against
the linen
Like cool drops
of rain



- October 2018

Rusted Stilts

Your rusted stilts
were born to break
You keep your heart tied
to the ones that shake
Will you ever wake
When all the dreams
turn into dust
You lose the face
you wanted to trust
Are you just like him
Waiting on the wall
not ready to swim
And you can't give in
I thought I had
a hold of your heart
I watched you bleed
right from the start
And it looked like art
Now the splinters
have dug themselves in
You thought having me
meant that you win
Now you drip with sin
I can't drink
the tears you don't cry
I just watch as the years
fly by and by and by



-April 2017

This Wave

This wave
is beating me
Like a rabid
salty knife


- October 2018

Each Step

I still want to lick you
like honey
Even when my heart hurts
and it's hard to breathe
I can feel the change come
with the wind
How it blows across
my face
and twirls in my hair
I want to close my eyes
and dance each step
So close
So tight



-February 2018

My Own Beat

You can't
burn me out
I refuse
to hand over
that power
The power
that only I
can wield
so truly
You have
no say 
in the things
that make
me dance
I've found
my own beat
My own rhythm
that does not
belong to you



-September 2018

The Net

I get caught up in it

The net

The struggle

The shackles that bind

The enormity

It fills up my insides

like silver bullets

waiting to ring

I often find

it's getting harder
to breathe

It drowns me

with little subtlety
or tracks to trace

Just a lingering layer
as thick

as the thickest
fruit rind
Maybe I'll plant
the seeds
and wait to see
what grows there

-August 2017

My Belonging

I'm not waiting
for someone
to break me open
I've done that
on my own
I've suffered quietly
without the light
from the sun, the stars
or the moon
No hand held me
while I cried
No hand consoled me
while I writhed
No lips danced
in time with mine
while the clouds
ran and dripped
as if the growth
of everything
depended on its moisture
Yet I have made
my own hands bleed
in search of a home
that did not exist
All the places I've known
have been boarded up
Shackled and shrouded
in darkness of its own
But I felt the flicker
of a flame
that burned 
from deep within
I've held the mirror
Examined each part
I've held myself
Consoled myself
Kissed myself
and let the warmth
spread through me
like it's known
this path all along
I've returned home
to myself
My heart
My truth
My true belonging



-September 2018

Static

I'm beginning to lose
your beat
The electricity
has turned to static
instead of heat
And it feels like
you have your back
against a wall
Would you even care
if my next fall
wasn't for you at all
I can feel
the question loom
not too high
above the room
where the smoke
never clears
As we breathe in deep
this empty space
is starting to seep
I've been mending
the hardening
of my heart
But those flowers
that once loved
to bloom
have already begun
to fall apart



-January/September 2018

Masks

I've been
wearing masks
that don't
belong to me
I've been playing
a little
make-believe
I've spent
so much time
in the corners
of my mind
Gathering
all this strength
I never knew
was mine



- July 2017 / July 2018

Dust and Molasses

Hard and bitter
is the truth
There's no
juice left
to moisten
my bones
I've just
left them
to splinter
My feet
have begun
to drip
with dust
and molasses
The path's
become unlit
and smoky
The stars 
have fallen
from their place
in the night
And all
that was left
to see
in the world
has gone dim



-February 2016

Glow With Me

Something has
awakened
deep down
in the marrow
of my bones
It makes me
want to thrive
To dance
To sing
Come glow with me
Show me
all your colors
And I will
show you mine



- August 2018

Flood Me

You are
what I need
The truth
swelters in
my bones
and I cave
at the warmth
that floods me
everywhere



- August 2018

I Choose The Light

I choose
the light
From here
on out
I will speak
my truth
Even if that
pulls the cover
off of
your darkness
I'll no longer
live in 
shadows
that don't
belong
to me


- July/August 2018

This Journey

Sit with me
And I'll tell you
about this journey
This road
That's full of
rocks and things
It will
make you
want to
run scared
But that shouldn't
keep you
from listening
It should
fill you
with intrigue
about all the ways
we scare
ourselves
into believing
we hold
no power
But, darling
our power
never leaves
It only
gets buried
by the hands
that fear
our strength

And the 
important thing
to recognize

is when 

those hands
become

our own

-July 2018

My Flowered Heart

Have I truly
begun to fade
The beating
of my heart
another tick
of static
that bleeds
into the
background
Hush
Don't make
a sound
or I'll ruin
everything
I've screamed
so loud
that it once
cracked
my soul
And it hurt
It stung
in places
I thought
had been buried
so deep
so deep
I can feel
the stings again
Is that alarming
The bell's been
ringing
so loudly
that I can't 
shut my eyes
My flowered
heart
has been
thirsty
and searching
for the smallest 
quench
from you
from you



-March 2017 

Ask Me About The Moon

Ask me
about the moon
and I'll tell you
how it
swallows you whole
and makes you glow
in ways
you never thought
you could



-March 2018

Half Empty

His glass sits
half empty
He'll even
tell you so
There's nothing
to fill him up
Nothing
to let go
He just likes to sit
on the side lines
watching picture shows



-December 2016

Baggage

It's yours
All of it
Every single
strand
Each vibrant
color
Is yours
All of it
The smells
The tastes
The deepness
The weight
The sinking
The heaviness
It's all yours
You get to choose
what to do
with all of it
This stuff
This baggage
Drink it
Smoke it
Inject it
Sniff it
Swallow it
Cut it
Starve it
Hate it
But it will
still be there
Every second
Every hour 
Every day
Every week
Every month
Every year
Begging you 
to unpack it
Pull each piece out
One by one
Day by day
Look at it
Smell it
Taste it
Feel it
Wear it
Slip on that skin
Close your eyes
Own it
Own whatever comes
This is how you begin
to unpack
Then choose
how you release
that energy
The one stinging
your veins
Run it
Write it
Paint it
Sing it
Play it
Cry it
Laugh it
Act it
Meditate it
Yoke it
Talk it
Hug it
It's yours
All of it
It's yours
to unpack
It's yours
to carry




-September 2017

Unsettled

I'm not sure
I'll survive
this
This background noise
that keeps bleeding
static
It makes the dust
loom
And all I want
to do
is lie still
and feel nothing
but my own
beat
But the burning
The burning
makes it hard
to sit
in my own
skin
And I'm reminded
that the dust
never really
settles



-February 2017

Old Reels

I'm sorry I had to
crawl into myself
and leave you waiting
on the ledge
I left you out
in my storm
where you could not see
your own shadow
I've been digging
and digging
with my bare hands
while listening 
to the echoes
of the past
I close my eyes
Watch the old movies play
The silence
can be deafening
When I dig deep enough
I feel the hot air
It sets my body
on fire
I do not wish
to be here
But there's power
in these old reels
I've already begun
to suck them dry
I've begun to feel
the pull of opposites
and the curiosity
of who I'll find
when the reels
have finally
stopped playing



-January 2018